I’m doing this chakra yoga course (go me and my awesomely expanding brain) and the teacher was talking about judgemental behaviour. She said we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and gave the example of how we find it hard to accept compliments.
That got me thinking how I’m actually the opposite. I love getting compliments. Always have. Don’t think I’m making myself out to be some kind of hero (or some kind of needy loser). It’s because I rarely got them growing up. I was regularly told what was wrong about me but praise and encouragement weren’t part of the furniture in our house. Interestingly, now that we’re all growed up, my siblings don’t much care for compliments but I give and get them all the time and love it.
As a coach, I’m probably supposed to tell you that external gratification (aka compliments) is bad but when you feel totally crap about yourself any gratification is better than none. There has to be a point when you look inside for the answers but you got to get on that path first to walk down it and external gratification can get you on that path quickly.
Like what happened with me. Not getting many compliments meant that whenever I got one, I beamed with confidence. It would shatter my doubts and fears and enable me to see possibilities. If the compliment was about something I deeply valued, I could be in that state for months.
Example (follow my logic): When I was about eight years old, I really wanted to be smart but no one told me I was so I assumed I wasn’t. When someone told me I was smart I was blissfully relieved. Why? Because it gave me a green light to turn my hopes into beliefs.
The other compliments experience I had happened when I was in my early twenties. I was out one night with friends when this guy told me I was pretty. As a teenager I had low self-esteem and really bad acne so I didn’t feel pretty but I really, really wanted to be pretty because all the good things are – like flowers and waterfalls and sunsets and princesses (fact).
So when this guy said I was pretty, I felt it. I was on cloud nine. I danced and laughed and had a really good night except for one thing. There was this other guy sitting across the table from me giving me death looks. Whenever I smiled at him, he frowned. Whenever I tried to start a conversation with him, he ignored me. It put a dampener on my night but I kept smiling and having a good time until eventually he said to me, ‘You’re so up yourself. You’re not even that pretty, you know.’
Ouch!
He got me where it hurt. Needless to say it wiped the smile from my face and made me feel ugly all over again. Just as I believed it when someone told me I was pretty, the same applied when someone said it wasn’t so. And which one did I believe the most? The one based in fear, not love.
So the point I’m making, sweet reader, is that compliments are a win-win situation. No matter who you are or what kind of life experiences you have had, it feels good to give them and it feels good to get them so let them in so they can work their magic on your psyche.
On the other hand insults are a lose-lose situation. They are fear-based and toxic. It feels bad to give them and bad to get them. Ah, I hear you thinking, “That’s bollocks. Some people gain pleasure from causing other people pain.” True, but while it may give them some temporary satisfaction, they end up feeling empty and lost. You can’t give away your pain. It’s yours to sort through. That goes for all of us.
So back to the good stuff: I encourage you to give and accept heartfelt compliments readily and sincerely. And if someone in your life is getting their kicks from bringing you down, remember that it’s about them – not you.
Oh, and hey, I couldn’t end this post without giving you a sincere and heartfelt compliment, so here goes: “You rock my weblog world!”
Seriously, without you there would be no point in me writing this. I love to write, to inspire, to foster happiness and all that good stuff but without you there’s no point. So thank you for reading (I think that’s called a win-win situation, right?).
Until next post, keep on sharing the good stuff.
Tracey
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